Your Future Is In Your Hands!

Skill in negotiating is certainly one of the keys

Skill in negotiating is certainly one of the keys in successful co-parenting. Here’s an applicable business perspective:

You must have a firm perspective on what you absolutely need from the negotiation — and also know what you will not accept.

So, go in believing that no matter how much you want it, you’re going to be all right without it. Your confidence will set the tone. Then try these tips to seal the deal:

  • Build trust. Be helpful, honest, and positive. Look for ways for everyone involved in the negotiation to come out on top whenever possible. The goal of every negotiation should be to create a win-win situation.
  • Information is power. Try to get as much information from your competition as you can. Then plan to be judicious about the information that you give back. Don’t give out information that is not necessary or data that could weaken your position.
  • Stay cool. Never let your emotions do the negotiating for you. But at the same time, realize that your emotions will likely be stirring pretty strongly inside — just be sure to keep them there. If you do find yourself about to become visibly upset, take a powder and come back when your head’s clear.
  • Take your time. Don’t ever let it seem like you’re trying to rush a deal.
  • Never just give anything away, even if its something you don’t attach much value to. Every point in a negotiation can be used as leverage for something that is important to you.
  • Make a mental list of possible concessions that you don’t really care about. You can use these as bargaining chips to get something you want without really losing anything of significance.

I just had 910$ deducted from my Filed Federal return

I just had 910$ deducted from my Filed Federal return, on top of already disputed arrears which will probably not be returned to me, on top of them taking OVER the arrears amount due by 730$. I added both the overpayment and the return deduction and it comes out to 1640$ that they have taken from me. I called all the Child support agencies and even went down in person to fight this. They produced a payment history and even though on THEIR form it shows I have paid over the amount, they cant do anything as the OTHER system they use did not tell them this was overpaid?!?!?!?

That was not what I wanted to happen. I did a quick search in Google and found website which helped me to get an overnight loan very fast. What a relief! It helped me to pay my utility bill on time.

Anyway, I do not know what to do from this point on. Going from what their customer service people tell me as they wont let you speak to anyone in charge besides a manager who only runs the office, is that I will be lucky if they ever find this money. Does anyone know how I might get my money? I use this money to pay for a lawyer so I won’t loose partial custody of my dear son!

Expecting an attack

I hope you are keeping a journal on anything they may be repeating. Don’t ask for details, just write don’t what they say. Parental Alienation is a common tactic, and you have to be ready for it.

Unfortunately, it is very easy for a mother to do this to the children. There is a bonding between children and their mother that exceeds understanding. That is why children are much less likely to report abusive mothers, then are are for fathers. Even if the abusive is so severe as to be fatal.

I had a call, just an hour ago, from the mother of my home aid, Kimberly. Kimberly’s children have lived most of the life with their grandparents, but yet Kimberly has got them convince that they are unloving and uncaring.

And she only sees them once a week. I know these people, and I know better. But, it shows how easy it is for mothers to manipulate their children. and that is something you need to be watchful for. I have seen hundreds of such cases over the last decade.

Arrests can occur during protests

I am aware that arrests can occur during protests. I don’t know enough about organizing anything like this and less about what I can or cannot do.

However, I have to say, that I have been tempted to go with a sign by myself and peacefully protest at the courthouse. Of course, by myself, who cares.

Will I get arrested if they ask me to leave and I won’t? Probably.

Aren’t your Children worth it?

I know mine are 100% worth being arrested 20 times to make a point. How about your?

Another passed opportunity

I just heard in the news this morning and so was reminded that Elian’s case will be heard this Thursday (tomorrow). They said protestors are starting to assemble and they expect large crowds.

All these Cuban people gather together for a march, or to protest on the streets, all for a 6 year old Cuban kid. Let me clarify I do not have anything at all against Elian. I wish him the best for him and his family.

However, we are such a sorry bunch of Dads! How can thousands of Cuban join together in protest for a 6 year old kid that is not even related to them, but WE as Fathers, can’t get together to fight for OUR OWN CHILDRENS RIGHTS!

We should be ashamed of ourselves. We should be doubling, and maybe even tripling the amount of people that protest for Elian.

When are we going to wake up. I am not a professional organizer for something like this. I don’t have any idea how to get people together to effectively gather in peaceful protest. I wish I knew how. I do know one thing, until we as Fathers become abused enough and tired enough to begin to fight for Fathers and Children’s rights, we aren’t going nowhere.

There has to be a way to get something going…

DO YOU CARE FOR YOUR CHILDREN! or is it easier to say, ” I can’t do anything until they change the damn law.”

Issues? When can we grow?

Thanks to all who gave credible advise with my recent attack issue. I am green to the divorce club, and the reason I divorced was to remove myself and my children from dysfunctional living.

I know that time heals old wounds, but like a wound, if you understand its only temporary and the way you take care of it will determine how long the wound will last.

In short, seek that which will nurture the wound and avoid that which caused it! Positive thinking can do miracles!

I have talked to some of these father associations

I have talked to some of these father associations. The manual probably has legal information terms and law definitions.

The point is, they want money for things like that, plus the membership fees, plus this and that. They truly become just one more way for Fathers to be ripped off.

I warn those who are beginners on a case, there are lots of rersearch you can do on the internet, legal books, state web sites that would give you the same useless information that these people will.

Again, nothing will change until WE put our foot down and do public protests (peaceful). Use Elian’s court date as an excuse. Assemble thousands of fathers with banners and signs in front of the Atlanta court house. I guarantee the whole world will hear about it that same day. The word WILL get out.

By the way, the CNN Building is right around the corner from this court house, they will be there and we know that everyone else will be there.

I tried this and other father associations

I tried this and other father associations and they are all worthless. They did not help me in any way during my still going three year battle.

Some of them even seemed like a way to get us to spend more money on legal advice that is worthless. UNTIL WE CHANGE THE LAWS, THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN PREVENT FATHERS AND THEIR CHILDREN FROM BEING SCREWED OVER AND OVER AGAIN.


Divorced Dads National Association

I would join. However, I have to say that we are a bunch of whiners. Every one complains but no one takes action.

Million man march, million mom march, Pro life, pro choice, etc, etc, etc. Al we do is vent on bulletin boards. I said before on this bulletin board that we should start by going to the court house in Atlanta when Elian’s case was strong or when it is heard, to take advantage of all the publicity and maybe be heard.

Everyone wants their problem solved but no one wants to go out and protest and do marchs, etc.

Here is the news:


I wish fathers would just wake up and do something for themselves. Please apologize my frustration but for those of you who are just starting a custody fight, embrace yourself. It’s going to be a long and frustrating ride.

It depends on the laws in your state

Off the cuff replies like the previous two are neither constructive, nor helpful. Actually, the attorney may not have a choice about accepting service for her. It depends on the laws in your state. I would recommend submitting your question to:

Nat Denman Memorial Pro Se Group Self Representation (Pro Se) discussion, Questions, Answers.

The late Nat Denman was the leading authority on Pro Se work. Many of his students who used his methods successfully are on this eGroup and they can offer answers to your questions.

Is there a reason why you cannot serve her in person? If it is because there is a restraining order, then use someone else to do it. I assume you have her address, but if it is only a PO Box, then take the papers to the post office and tell them that you need her actual address in order to serve court papers.

You should also consider joining a father’s group. There are many in the US. I am a board member of one that is nationwide. The National Congress for Fathers & Children is a 20 year old organization. We provide a membership manual that covers most everything you need to know in dealing with your case, including a section on Pro Se. To see more info on it go to The latter one has sample of the manual on it.

If you have any other questions, put them here, or you can call me at (913) 385-DADS from 4-midnight east coast time.

Ok I have a stupid attorney?

My hubby filed all his paperwork at the court and now he has to serve his ex.. His paralegal told him to Ask her attorney if he will accept service for her.. Guess what Attorney said NO. My husband also asked him about some arrearages that were supposed to be agreed upon before this goes to court.

Her attorney hung up on him… So what is he supposed to do now is it ok to tell his ex he wont work with her attorney since her attorney is such an A#$ and wait till he gets in court. And can we send her papers through the mail if I am the one to sign for service? Im not sure i trust that route.. I also think her attorney is very unprofessional, That goes without saying I guess. Anyways I would appreciate any advice we can get..


Rules of civil procedure can be strict

Also, rules of civil procedure can be strict about service of papers. For example, in Conn., original papers are filed with the clerk of the court and copies served to attorneys and pro se parties. If you fail to serve an attorney, but send it to the client, you could find a judge refusing to hear the matter when you appear in court due to improper service.

Some judges are lenient with pro se parties if they is no actual prejudice to the other side. The judge does not want to see the pro se taken advantage of by the attorney.

But, and there is a BUT, judge’s generally have little tolerance for the irrelevant or for whining, or for people who are being stubborn. They want to move their docket along.

The best way to deal with attorneys is to discuss each matter, issue by issue – keep focused only on the issue youare discussing and try to keep only to pertinent facts. The better prepared you appear to be to the judge, the more likely the judge will be to grant you some slack.

It does not matter whether your husband is representing himself

It does not matter whether your husband is representing himself, the attorney still has to respect a proper service. You need to remind him that as a Pro Se Litigant, he will respect you the same as any other attorney.

But remember, part of being an attorney is trying to intimidate the other attorney, and make them stumble.

And that can be a problem with going Pro Se, because you don’t have the training or experience to know when this is going on, and how to respond to it.

In California he can accept service for her

Actually In California he can accept service for her, And has before but now that my husband is working for himself he is playing games with him. So we have decided to just serve her if her attorney is going to be difficult we dont have to play with him!

Also I think joke now and then when you are in a stressful situation like ours lightens the mood and helps, I find I can’t always be so sober minded about my situation in life, And appreciate a good comment now and then. Just as much as i appreciate the good information I get from you guys.

I have to protect the persons who have contributed to the manual

I have to protect the persons who have contributed to the manual, one of which is the University of Missouri-Columbia. And besides, there is more then just the manual. We have board members that can be emailed with questions on you case, or if there is something in the manual you don’t understand. No one gets paid in NCFC, including myself, and I put in over 60 hours a week helping fathers. As I have for the majority of the last 12 years. I have been inactive for two years due to an illness that put me into a coma for 3 weeks. But, I am getting active once again.

I’m disable and living on SSD. My children are long since grown, and I will be a grandfather in June. I do it because there is a need. But, there is also a need to build an organization that can have more influence in State and Federal legislatures. And simply putting the manual on the Internet does not help those who are not on the Internet. And the Internet has become so vast, it is becoming more and more difficult to find specific useful information.

More then anything, and organization needs to be built to go up against the National Organization for Women, and much of the propaganda they put out. Also remember, there are other problems that need to be addressed. Public Service Announcements need to be produced addressing the issue of domestic violence against men and their children. Do you realize that violent women account for 55% of fatal child abuse committed by all individuals. Fathers account for 8%. This is an issue that needs to be addressed, but no organization, public or private, is willing to step into it. So, it will be up to organizations like NCFC to pay to have a PSA produced, and most likely will have to pay to have it aired.

Corporations don’t want to contribute to a men’s or fathers movement because of fear of what women’s groups will do to them. In 1995, Kinko’s Copy Center and Sprint Long Distance contributed $90,000 worth of vouchers for the use of video conference centers. With these vouchers, fathers whose children lived in another state could talk to, and see them at the same time. It helped address the problems of long distance visitation. But, neither corporation wanted it publicly known that they had made the contribution, because of fear of reprisals.

It is going to be a hard road to tow to get things back to a balance, but unfortunately, that is going to take money. This week alone, I spent $70 out of my Social Security check for materials to help father here in Kansas City. I am working on trying to get the local chapter back up and running again, but I can wait until after I have received money from new members to create the needed materials, I need to have them ready when I am approached for help. Hopefully I will get paid back from memberships, but that may be tomorrow, next week, or next month. In the meantime, I now have a stack of printed manuals, bound and ready for anyone who comes forward seeking help.

So, it would be nice to not have to require a membership in NCFC to receive our materials, but the fact is the money goes right back into materials and services to help fathers. Support groups are helpful, but there is a limit on how much help they can provide, whereas the national Congress for Fathers & Children supplies concise information that teaches fathers what they can be doing about their current problems, as well as be prepared for any new ones.

The judge need not be prejudice

The judge need not be prejudice if you know who to deal with the problems of false allegations. When you go to court, do you have people there as “Court Watchers?” They take notes on what is going on, and makes sure the judge knows they are. I have a court watch form that can be used. Also, what is your husband doing to curtail false allegations.

Does he keep a daily journal? When he picks up the children, does he take witnesses along, and especially someone with a video camera? Has he considered suing her for defamation of character? Juries are not quite so easy to put one over as a judge is. And don’t forget, a judge does go by the evidence. Did he present significant evidence to counter her claims?

There is a lot he can be doing to counter her. But, it takes the time to learn what he needs to be doing, and have the nerve to do it.

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